It's Late and I Am Not-So-Smart (Anymore)

Hi. It's almost 11PM here and I am exhausted. The First 48 is on TV in the background, the children are all sleeping soundly and I have just finished reading a few fellow blogger sites. It's important to maintain friends. And, it's nice to read what others have to say. Some of the bloggers I read are really outstanding. I am always at a loss for my own words after reading other blogs. Some of them just have such talent and meaning....I guess I wonder if mine is even worth writing. It's mainly just ramblings of my own personal thoughts. Heck, these days those thoughts are often senseless. Children and/or pregnancy suck out your brains. I remember I used to be very intelligent-prior to children. Now, when I read some blogs, they seem as though they are all speaking above my own understanding. They are speaking English-or typing it, really. But, I no longer can comprehend words not frequently spoken in Star Wars, super hero videos, or Sesame Street. And, speak slower will ya? I guess, luckily, I can relearn as the children get older--it will just take a while. I am still working on learning the alphabet.

Change: Better Late Than Never

I believe that I stated a while back that I have a huge issue. Well, truthfully, I have many but I am talking about the one that involves me not considering myself as someone important. To put it simply: I am not a priority of mine. I know, this sounds a bit silly or even contrived, but it is not. I have battled this for years...and years...and years. I was like this long before I met my now-husband. I know it was there in my first marriage. And, unfortunately, it can be a devastating thing. There is no doubt that this directly contributed to the decline of my first marriage. Therefore, it is essential that I deal with this issue head on. I suppose it is better late than never.

For some reason, I tend to overlook myself way too much. Although the whole concept of compromise is expected in a marriage or in motherhood, the level of compromise to which I am referring is unhealthy. Parenting and marriage should not take away your self worth. And, for some reason, unbeknownst to me, I fall in this path over and over. Now that I have children, it is even worse. My children have become a few more people on my list of "People Who Need Me More Than I Need Me". I have to consciously try to divert myself from these kinds of thoughts and actions. It is a real struggle for me; but, one that I am poised to deal with forever. The positive side of this is that I know that I have this problem and am actively trying to keep it in check. If I do not, eventually, I am no longer myself. I somehow lose me. I, me, Crystall,.... I am someone special.

So, in response to my new mindset of making myself happy and no longer forgetting about my own importance, I have begun changing things. Here are a few major changes I have made in the last two to three weeks: (Please note that some of these I do commonly and quite passionately for my children and husband but not for myself)

1. I got my hair highlighted and cut

2. I got a manicure and pedicure

3. I set up some doctor appointments for myself and I am going

4. I started eating more vegetables and fruits

5. I started a very consistent workout schedule

6. I have started to cut excess sugar from my diet (cutting out fat doesn't work if you replace it with two tons of sugar) This is a real bummer.

7. I set up an appointment for a massage and facial with my gift cards that are from two years ago and I am going

8. I forgave myself for not having used over $100 worth of gift cards (from Rick) to a spa before they expired

9. I forgave myself for the house not being sparkling, the laundry not being completed, and not always being happy. It's OK.

10. Mostly, I have forgiven myself for not being perfect. Because I am not. And, I never will be.

We'll see how this goes. It's a good start.

Fuzzy

My 10 month old daughter, Lyla is having some wild hair issues. She is having quite a few bad hair days. Her hair is sticking straight up, everyday. No matter what, it is always fuzzy. So, I have been calling her "Fuzzy" for a couple of months. I decided to just wait it out and bide my time until her hair gets longer. Maybe then it will lay down.

But, I have tried to "help" her hair situation. I have put her hair in a barrette-not that helpful. I have tried to brush it down with water- nice try. Nothing seems to work. Everywhere we go people make comments about her wild hair.

How long should I allow this hair craziness to go on before I start researching baby Dippity-do?

Are there any companies that even make baby hair products?

Below, the green version of Lyla.

Mrs. Potato Head Me

This is a photo of me.....according to Nicholas. He created this likeness of myself recently, then happily danced around the room saying that it was me. He was so proud of his creation. I gasped and told him how beautiful she is while I tried to search out positive physical attributes of his mommy-looking masterpiece.



"And", I said, "she looks just like me! That's awesome Honey!"

Nick was thrilled with my approval as I continued to gush over the similarities between Mrs. Potato Head and I. "She has very pretty eyes and a great smile! Do you really think she looks like me?"

"YES!", he giggled and ran into his bedroom. "MOM, let's put it on my dresser so Jacob doesn't mess it up." I did so, and she has not moved from her perch since.

I tried to hide the thoughts that were really going through my head about the similarities.

I have always thought of myself as rather pear shaped....not potato shaped. But, yeah, I have to agree that the overall shape of pears and Mr. Potato Heads is downright identical. The Mrs. Potato Head nose-a bit red and large, and the ears...well, definitely not mine. I also have much better hair. Especially now that I just had it done.



Perhaps, the most flattering part of Nick's Mrs. Potato Head Me was that she did NOT have a big bum. Woohoo! Thanks Nick!

A Peek Into Our Marriage (Yeah, we're BOTH crazy)

The crazy-girl medicine that I was prescribed a little over a month ago seems to be working. I feel much more grounded emotionally without being a totally different person. I am sad that hormones, stress and life in general has affected me this way. I pray that this fix will be temporary.

One of the biggest things that I have noticed about being a mother is the extreme pressure, or rather, it may just be my perception of it. The pressure from my spouse, pressure from society and self-induced expectations that have all come together to put me right on the edge of a cliff, teetering between sanity and a breakdown. My husband has tremendously improved in this aspect over the last two years, since being diagnosed with OCPD. People with OCPD expect perfection in others as well as themselves. As for me, I am far from perfect. Now, he could not be a more supportive or a more loving husband. I am truly very lucky to have him.

But, in the past, we really put the FUN in dysFUNction. I was running around here for years trying to please him (and everyone else-like I always do. Helloooooo- another wacko trait.) And, my efforts seemed to never be quite enough. He was slowly realizing that perfection is unattainable but had a hard time retraining his brain to think differently. Together, in accepting one another completely, faults and all, we have really become each other's rock- just as it should be. We now help one another in the on-going internal fights each of us deals with.

Now, just for clarification, I am not at all saying that we have not had a wonderful marriage prior to all of this discovery and change. We have. But, it has not been without some really turbulent times (and some really wonderful times). Our differences are great, but as in the beginning, we attract and truly compliment one another. As long as we continue to make ourselves and our family a priority, we (as a team) will be successful at reaching whatever goals we set before us.

Darn Haters!

It has been an interesting day. I have been very preoccupied with thoughts of a comment on my last post, Crossing the Line by "Anonymous".



This is the comment:

Seriously...do you blame him? I think it's one thing to blog about your drama...but really. Perhaps common sense should have kicked in before you started to discuss your trust issues with him, his past and his OCPD. Perhaps you should have known about this before you married him....or did you?



After thinking about what this "mystery person" had to say, I was upset and even contemplated discontinuing my blog. I am quite sensitive, I suppose. After all, the comment wasn't THAT bad, or was it? Who are you, Anonymous, the marriage police?





The truth of the matter is, by blogging you open yourself up to other opinions on your personal life. When you disclose your thoughts, feelings, etc. openly, you are inviting people to give you their two cents-nice or not, warranted or not, out-of-line or not, psycho-killer-like or not. So, in the blogging world, I simply need to get thicker skin. One person's opinion of my life does not make my worth. I need to make that my mantra.


I have been trying to decide whether I will respond, whether it is really worth it. Or, really, whether I need to. And, I have come to this conclusion:


My blog is for me. Not anyone else. I am happy to have readers and people who are interested, but really, this is all about me. I need not worry about defending myself to any Joe Schmoe that happens upon my blog and has an opinion. Though, this person is not a "happened-upon-it" reader. There is no doubt that this person knows a bit more about me than I have divulged in this blog. Therefore, Anonymous, if you want your opinion to really matter maybe it should be delivered in person instead of hiding behind an Anonymous name.


Darn haters!

Crossing the Line

Well, I have crossed the line. The line that my husband had in his imagination drawn for me not to cross about what information I release to the general public via my blog. He is pissed and just stormed off. Oops.
For some unknown reason, he does not want the whole world to know our business. Go figure. :)
Gotta go for now. The rain on my parade is coming back upstairs.

Dangling By A String

I missed my post last night.

I really wanted to just spend a little time with my husband. I knew he was going in for surgery again this morning. Although the surgery is not supposed to be very dangerous, I just was a bit worried about it all. I get that way now. Too often. So, I took some time and just sat with my husband. It was nice.

My husband, Rick's kidney stone thing has been going on for about a month now. But, as of today's surgery, it appears that all is good. The physician could safely remove the kidney stone today. However, he left a thin-but-long tube (called a stent) in one of my husband's ureters (the tube from the kidney to the bladder). The only reason why I am going into such detail is I must for you to fully understand the second part of this story. The story continues as the stent must be removed on Friday, at home, by my husband or I. OK...what now?! Are you frickin' kidding me?!

The physician explained that while doing the surgery today, he attached a string to the stent and the string is now the method by which we are supposed to remove it. For those of you who can't picture this, imagine a string (about 1 and a half feet long) attached somewhere inside your husband's body and coming from your husband's private part. And the best part: YOU are supposed to assist in pulling it. GAG! To avoid getting myself ill about this subject, I will just say: please pray for us. It doesn't sound pleasant.

After Rick's surgery today, the nurse let me go into the recovery area. Surprisingly, he did not seem that bothered by the thought of the "string"; but, I think subconsciously he was very, VERY worried. We got home and he went upstairs to rest. About an hour later, I heard some loud noises from upstairs, went running up and found my husband stumbling out of the bathroom into our bedroom with his shorts half falling down around his ankles. Alarmed, I asked, "Are you OK?" He looked at me and I immediately knew: the lights were on but no one was home.

Rick had a blank look and fell on the side of the bed, limp. I grabbed him and lowered him to the floor. Luckily, I handled the situation well and did not let my emotions take center stage. I have quite a bit of experience in the medical field and was able to quickly decide if he was actually in a dangerous situation (since he had surgery earlier, he could have been having complications) or whether he had just passed out. I checked his pulse and breathing- they seemed normal. So, I helped him get comfortable on the floor, fanned him with cool air, got a wet rag for his forehead and raised his feet with pillows. Within a few seconds, he was back on Earth and his stark white face was returning to it's normal color. I watched him closely for about another half hour, not letting him try to get up unassisted. He was fine and returned to normal. I guess looking at the "string" was a traumatic experience. Poor guy!

Technology Is Awesome...and Also Stinks

This computer is having some issues; therefore, my regular post will have to be skipped for this evening, except for some complaining about this ordeal. I am working on our laptop because my husband is hogging the desktop. This is quite typical; but, since we do not use the laptop as often, it has to download and install two hours worth of updates and then scan for viruses. Sure, I could type while this thing is doing all of that, but it takes forever to load pictures and web pages and gets "stuck" occasionally. I just have no patience for that I suppose.

I remember the days when average people did not have computers in their homes...or cell phones for that matter. I know, some probably didn't have telephones or TVs either, but my home did. We didn't have MTV or fancy toys to play with as children. We played outside....with dirt. Ha Ha! It sounds funny now, but that is exactly what we did. Now, we have become dependent on technology and electronics. Our children have some weird need to be entertained, instead of entertaining themselves. Playstation has become a way of life- along with sitting...and sitting....and more sitting instead of running, playing, doing cartwheels and jumping. Hm...seems a blessing and a shame all rolled into one.

Now-a-days, we use computers everyday-even multiple times a day. And, cell phones and voicemail-how do you live without them? I think it is so strange that my step-father doesn't have email. What the heck? Join the 21st century would ya?! Technology is great, but when all of these fancy electronic thinga-ma-jigs don't work, it sure stinks.

What would we do without a microwave....or washers and driers....or a hot water heater, air conditioner, or a car? Wow. Life would be very different. More simple. Maybe,.....just maybe, it would be better.

Fun at Disneyland

Well, Hello All!

We are back from our trip to Disneyland and it was really a fun time. It was all that Disney could have been...without spending a total fortune. We stayed at a hotel on Disney property that was pretty average-but nice. The hotel was not flashy, but it is exactly what I wanted. I was not into spending our extra money on a room that I knew would only serve as sleeping quarters. We were only in the room overnight and for naps midday. Then, I felt we could spend our money on all the fun stuff: food, souvenirs, and Disney paraphernalia.

I guess we suffered the typical trip with young children things: having to stop every hour to hour and a half to give the children a break from the car, over-tired, over-stimulated boys having two-yr old moments, and I can't forget to mention Rick and I- who, exhausted, fell on the bed nightly trying to remind ourselves that vacations are for relaxation. Then, trying to settle down our two little boys who are not used to sleeping in the same bed and who were enjoying every moment of kicking, tickling, and rolling over into one another proved to be a bit difficult. Luckily, both my husband and I were mentally prepared and didn't let much bother us.

Lyla was a trooper. She rode around in her stroller, taking in the sites and having a party of her own. She also really loved the rides-at least the ones that she could go on. We all shot some bad guys on the Buzz Lightyear ride; and, the Pirates of the Carribean ride was a favorite with all of us. Of course, we couldn't miss the It's A Small World boat ride.

The boys both rode their first roller coaster- one that was in the children's section of the park called Mickey's Toontown. Surprisingly, no one got scared. I watched adults getting off of the ride saying that they thought that ride was more frightening than some of the bigger adult rides. I guess Nick and Jacob were proving that they are indeed "big boys".

The best part of our trip was getting to see the magic of Disney through our children's eyes. It is fun enough through ours- but through their eyes, it was definitely the cherry on top of our sundae.

Disney Channel: I Am STILL Waiting On Your Call

Today is a good day. I hope. So far, so good. But, it is early still. I am sitting in my oh so sexy jammies at the dinner table while everyone eats breakfast and watches Playhouse Disney. I have some coffee...a splash of coffee added to a cup of Sugar Free Hazelnut non-dairy creamer.

I like these jammies. They are light blue, shorts with a shirt and the shirt says, Love Grows Here. Really, for me, saggy (post children) boobs and a big bum continue to grow here. I am sure my husband loves these jammies even more than I do. What can I say, he must like the grandma look. Thank God! He (God)...and well...he (Rick)...always look out for me.

Playhouse Disney is the morning lineup on the Disney Channel. By the way, I love Disney and the Disney Channel. As part of Playhouse Disney, the shows are really geared toward younger children. Handy Manny, The Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Little Einsteins and Special Agent OSO are some of my children's favorites. We happily tune in each morning and catch some part of most of them in our daily morning routine. Well, each season, Disney seems to think that they need to change things. What the heck are they thinking? Don't they realize that children all over the world (OK- maybe just all over the country) are counting on their lineup to remain the same? These children's very well-being is hinging on watching their same favorite shows each morning- at the same times....in the same order.....no changes, unless approved by me, of course; so, I can gently break the news and get the children prepared for the catastrophic event ahead of time. I suppose approval from some other random mother somewhere is also acceptable, but she needs to call me to discuss it then. Either way, somebody needs to freakin' call me! I am waiting...

As of about a week ago, they have cancelled my children's favorite show, Little Einsteins. AAGGHHHH! Even with the new show, Special Agent OSO in it's place, this is quite difficult.

Hey, Disney Channel: I am waiiittttiiinnnngggggg!

I am here...and alive

No, I am not on vacation yet. I have been in a blog funk. Or, a tired funk. I don't know....some kind of funk.

I have not been depressed (thankfully), just too tired to worry about blogging. I thought of it, then decided that I would either fall asleep while typing or the blog would put others to sleep while reading. So, I opted out. That is not the norm for me...but for once, I had to not worry about it.

We will be leaving for vacation in a few days and Rick, I and the children are getting very excited. Every day the children wake up and ask if today is the day. I regret to inform them daily that it is not the day, but it is coming soon. What a drag it is to have vacation fever!

Hang on...Nicholas is asking me about getting a fishing rod. OK, I'm back. A fishing rod?! In the desert? Apparently he still does not know where we live. I have explained this concept to him countless times when he asks me for a Spiderman umbrella every time we go to Walmart, but I can see now that he still does not understand. Or, maybe he does but he is like most little boys and just wants all of the paraphernalia anyway. Now that I examine this topic, that is probably the case.

Today was a pretty good day with the children. We ran some errands, getting ready for the big trip. Then, after naps, we went swimming. Both Jacob and Nick were having a blast. Lyla was happy watching her big brothers.

Jacob was......being a typical two year old.

Me: Jacob, please don't pour water out of the pool. You're making too much mud. It's making a big mess.

Jacob: I want to.

Me: Jacob....don't pour water out of the pool.

Jacob: (nothing)

Me: JACOB! Don't do it!

Jacob: I want to. (He gets mad. Then, goes over and hits Nick.)

Me: Jacob, don't hit Brother!

Jacob: I want to.

Later.....

Me: Jacob, get off of Lyla. And, give her back her meme (her blanket) please.

Jacob: No! I love she's meme (as he runs off with the meme in his hand).

Lyla then happily grabs his meme and shoves the silky part into her mouth. Jacob notices and comes over screaming.

Jacob: NOOOOOO! THAT'S MY MEME!!!! (grabbing the meme) AAAAAGGHH! (He promptly throws himself on the floor. He rolls around on the floor, screaming in protest.)

Thank God we have gone through this before with Nicholas. It is much funnier the second time around.