Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Into the Darkness

When we are children, we are led into the darkness by our parents. We grasp their hand or their leg and are reassured that everything will be OK. We are comforted by that hand and feel protected and shielded from the dangers that may be hiding in the darkness.

Everyday in some way or another, we all go into the darkness. We leave our homes not really knowing if we will return. We do not really know what God has planned for our lives, but we have to trust that God's plan is supreme.

When Lyla was ill (Blog: A Living Hell 3/13/09), I had to remind myself that God's plan may not always be what I would like it to be. So, into the darkness we go trusting and believing that God is watching, protecting and holding our hand. I remember when the doctors did not think that Lyla would survive, I talked to a woman who said, "Crystall, I am sorry that God needs a new angel. And I am even more sorry that that angel that He wants is yours".

So, into the darkness I go today, taking Lyla for her six month checkup. She looks up at me and smiles, trusting me that I am not taking her into the face of danger. But I do not know for sure that I am not. She is due shots and her shots have not been ruled out as the cause of her illness back in December. Her symptoms started about five to six weeks after receiving a round of shots. I thought that the length of time that had passed between Lyla's shots and her illness was much longer than the time a reaction after shots might occur; but now, I have been told by her physician otherwise. Shots are known to potentially cause reactions that can bring about symptoms very similar to what Lyla had; and, those reactions can happen months after receiving the shot. Her pediatrician also reiterated to me how lucky we are that Lyla has recovered and how none of the physicians in her practice (there are 6) thought that Lyla would survive. Not ONE!

Having said that, I am scared. I feel sick. I do not know what will happen or if Lyla's shots even had anything to do with her illness. But, I have to trust that God's plan is in motion. I have to think like this, or I cannot stand it. For I am Lyla's protector. I am her rock, I am her comfort, I am her mother- who's hand that she grasps when she is frightened. But really, even though I am her mother, I am not sure that the monster hiding in that darkness will not also get me.

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