Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Mommy Blues

It is OK to say that I am sad today?
Is it alright to be depressed when really I do love my family more than life itself?
Is it acceptable to say that I would never trade a thing...not one thing....
and still...I am sad?

I am having mommy blues today. Actually I have been having these blues for a while. I am not quite sure what is going on here- is this too late for postpartum depression?

I consider myself quite strong, supportive and constant; but sometimes, things bother me too. Sometimes it is hard to be the strong one. Sometimes it is tough to be the "go to" person all the time. It is sometimes really hard to be Mommy. Sometimes it is hard to be the ever-supportive wife.

Is it OK to say that I get tired of never eating a warm meal? Is it alright to say that it gets old to always be eating while standing, doling out everyone else's food- that is.. if I get to eat, if someone else doesn't demand what is on my plate. And then, two hours after first realizing that my stomach is growling, I finally get to eat and it is hurried by a tired and crying baby or two little boys who never seem satisfied. Nothing that I do now is for me. I have nothing outside of my family. No career. No friends. No....anything, without them. I am sad to even admit that sometimes I think they are not enough. Am I horrible to think like that?

I couldn't even manage to mail out stuff for Mother's Day on time. Now, my mother and mother-in-law probably think I do not care to even think of them. But I do. They are just last in line behind my children and my husband. They are in line right where I am. And, that will not change.

I want to take care of myself. I want to do things that are fulfilling for me personally- things that do not have anything to do with my children or husband. I want to have some little part of me that is reserved-some little shred of myself that is only dedicated to me. But, it seems too much to ask when I am a mother. Besides, by the time I am done doing all that needs to be done, there is no longer the time, the energy, or the motivation for those "me" things. Is it OK to say that sometimes, I am down about that?

I don't really want much. Just a hair appointment so I don't look so horrible, just a nice bath with no interruptions, just a few moments to use the bathroom with no one busting in, just enough energy so that I can workout. I want to be healthy and look better, but I just cannot do it. I want to be able to sit down before 9PM and not have to listen out for anyone crying. I want to NOT be needed-for just a few minutes, just a few seconds. Not that this will ever happen, but if it did, I would surely complain then about NOT being needed. I am so twisted.

I am lonely. I want time with my husband that is not filled with the children or time alone with him that does not occur at 10 PM when I am too exhausted to formulate a sentence. How can I be lonely with my three children always nipping at my heels and my husband who really does try to make a happy life for us?

I miss my work. I miss the personal satisfaction that I received from my job. I hate paying $350/month for my student loan when I have no place to use the degree. The money is in trade for the paper I have framed hanging in our study. It is probably dusty.

I miss having money. I miss having the luxuries that come with having extra money. I hate worrying if we will ever dig ourselves out of this hole. I hate that financially, we are not where we hoped we would be at ages 35 (me) and 40 (Rick).

Is it OK to say that I get tired of
changing diapers, crying children, and picking up toys five times a day?

While I am complaining I will include these things that I cannot stand also (because I am on a roll):
our muddy backyard with no grass or trees, dust and pollution in the air, money taken from an already horrible public school system, increased violence and cussing on television-the public's need for these things to be entertained, worrying about my children getting abused, or being bullied, or doing the bullying, additional skeletons popping out of my husband's closet and always being understanding about my husband's diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) and all that it entails. I am tired of worrying about Nicholas developing OCPD. I can't stand sweeping (and sometimes mopping) the kitchen floor at least twice a day and still it is covered with food and sticky from spilt juice, Rhett (our dog) licking the floor while "cruising for crumbs" until he coughs and gags, washing at least eight loads of laundry a week, and never being done with all of the chores. When one is done, there are five more that pop up in it's place.

I know all of these things that I have talked about come with motherhood; and obviously, I chose to be a mother. And, I do love it- 99% of the time. But, isn't it OK to sometimes be sad about what you sacrifice while being a mom?

I need a vacation (and maybe some medication).

9 comments:

Lady Mama said...

Yes, absolutely - it is perfectly okay to sometimes be tired of it all. If you didn't you wouldn't be normal...

Everything you've said here resonates with me. I have those same feelings from time to time.

I think you definitely deserve a vacation... somewhere lovely, warm, peaceful and kid-free. And, failing that, you should most certainly book that hair appointment / spa day for yourself soon!

Kelly's Ideas said...

Yes it is okay...absolutely okay.. You are a person too.. with wants and needs...being a mom sometimes we forget that... but I promise you - your time will come.. and your kids will be better people for having you in their lives.

Mom Mayhem says: said...

I think this is all pretty normal! I have these feelings sometimes too-adjusting to being a SAHM and everything that includes -Here's to hoping we can all have a nice vacation sometime!

Crystall said...

Thank you Ladies for your kind comments. It is nice not to be judged harshly for opening up about feelings that are probably quite typical of many mothers.

Jacquie said...

I came across your blog while googling Mommy Blues to find out if it was ok that I was feeling this way...your post is absolutely the way I am feeling for the last little while and I feel a little silly about it now since I only have 1 child and it looks as though you have 3 but yet still it seems as though the chores never end and there is no time for me and I am forever revolving my life around the things that are important to my son and husband. I love them dearly but sometimes wish someone would show an interest in what I need or want. Thank you for your very honest post!

Anonymous said...

Wow! Talk about touching sooooo many thoughts and feelings I have been having! The diploma gathering dust, no energy or enthusiasm to acknowledge special holidays(xmas is coming and I am dreading it). So many times I have said "Why did I want this?"
I spend alot of time feeling guilty. My husband is wonderful, really wonderful, but I get so jealous of him sometimes. His job takes him to warm and sometimes exotic places ie. Italy, and I have to be happy for him but it is so hard. I hate myself most of the time and wish I could take a happy pill to give me a permanent grin and take away the desire to be somewhere else. Thanks for sharing your feelings and giving all us Moms the chance to do so too!
Treena, Nova Scotia, Canada

ISeeAll said...

I am on the other side of this. I am a husband, watching my wife experience what for the most part I think is what you so perfectly described. She isn't a stay at home mom, she does work, but she hates her job, and I think that makes it worse. I leave for my job before she is even awake, she uses no alarm any more to get up as our 2yr old wakes her up every morning with pounding on the door.

From the moment she wakes up till she goes to bed she has to be mommy/wife.

She gets him ready, takes him to daycare, goes to a job she hates, comes home and goes right back into mommy mode. I try to help, as much as I can, I make the meals and help with our son as much as I can. But even still, she is still being mommy. Once he is in bed, we proceed to clean up, shower, go to bed and start it all again.

I don't think she realizes she has the mommy blues, but I can see it. I can also see the results, and as much as I try to help and do what I can. Daddy is starting to feel lonely too.

If its like this for daddy, I can only imagine what you women go through.

Reading your post helped me to see more of what she might be going through, i don't know what all i can to help that would be helpful for more than the evening she gets away, but atleast i know..

Holly Lewis said...

I, too, came across your blog while searching Mommy Blues. I feel the same way and it is good to know that it's normal. I love love love my family and I think that's why we feel so bad is because we love them so much that we think that we don't deserve any time for ourselves.

Have you thought about using coupons? I use coupons to save us a ton of money on groceries! Here is a link to my money saving blog if you are interested:

http://sassysaversonamission.blogspot.com/

My husband and I have very little help with the kids, so when he is off he helps me, and he is WONDERFUL! BUT we hardly ever get anytime away from the kids and it leaves us feeling exhausted and stressed. We don't even know what to do to have fun anymore when we do get a few minutes to ourselves! We've been away on a date about 2 times in the past 4 mos. We have went to dr. apt's together without the kids and made that into a date--isn't that sad. I feel like this is going to take a toll on our marriage. We do have a wonderful marriage and I know that I am so blessed to have him. I just don't want to lose it because we didn't spend enough time together. What are some easy ways to have fun (besides watching tv and heading to the bedroom)? Thanks!

Anonymous said...

i am a social worker "specializing" in just this very experience. i went through it with my ONE child and constantly wondered how to affect some kind of change about it. i help other moms now, but it is not enough. we all still feel so isolated with this experience. in the wee hours of this morning i thought i'd like to write a book that creates greater social awareness of this dilemma. it is not chemical postpartum depression, per se, that i am talking about. it is motherhood in the "nuclear" family, in the commercial world- the mommy blues. i appreciate the post from the husband. and special thanks to the author of this heartfelt and honest description of what so many of us grapple with daily. yes, it is okay. and you are not alone!