I am back, after having a couple of nights of good sleep. I had to take some Ambien-but hell, whatever it takes. I have been going without sleep for much much too long; so, it was time to have a couple of nights of restful slumber.
Things have been pretty stressful in our home lately due to the mounting illness of a close family member of Rick's. At this time, I will not disclose much about this family member (sometimes everything does not have to be shouted over the internet~so I hear); but, it will probably be mentioned in passing again in the future. I write about issues that impact my life and that of my family--his illness effects our family in a huge way. Unfortunately, we are all now bracing for the worse. Cancer is horrible. Miracles do happen, which of course is what I am praying for. But, as I know quite well, God's plan is not always how we would like things to go. Sometimes the "God, please make _____ better" changes to "God, please free ____ from his fight. Whatever your will. I will accept it". My prayers for this person have not yet made this change. Maybe I am too selfish and just do not want my family to go through this. I know that with time, the prayer will change. Unfortunately though, time is exactly what he does not have much of.
I am trying grab at some sort of positive in this family crisis; but, it is pretty difficult at this time. For now, I will just lend emotional support to Rick and the rest of the family and continue the prayers that the boys, Rick and I have said every night for the last seven months of this battle.
For the age of our children, we have had to talk quite a bit about death with them. Their fish died. And, another fish died. And, four more fish died. Then, I almost miscarried when I was pregnant with Lyla. And, lastly, when Lyla was ill when she was 3 months old, her physicians did not believe she would make it home. No one did. So, now again, we are faced with talking about the potential death of someone to whom they are very close. Why discuss this if it actually has not happened? Well...honesty. Our children are quite perceptive and always want to know where everyone is. Where's Daddy? Where's Mommy? We choose to tell them. I think Rick and I both feel that death is a part of life. As for me, I hope having discussed this with them, they better understand the natural course of life and God's role in it.
We have chosen to describe "death" as "going to Heaven"; even though when I say that I am not always sure that is actually where they are going. Really, where do fish go when they die? Fishy heaven? Or, do they just simply cease to exist? What about the "bad guys"? Do they go to Heaven? That's really between them and God; but, for simplicity, they are "going to Heaven" as far as the boys are concerned right now. They are a little bit too young to discuss the ins and outs of Hell versus Heaven. Come on! Thankfully, I have a couple more years before I have to explain that. But, as for the whole topic of death, there has been little way to get out of that discussion.
Tonight, while talking about our family member...
Me: _____ is very sick and in the hospital. Daddy is there now to see him. He is so sick, he may go to Heaven. Everyone is very sad.
Jacob: (smiling at his marvelous idea) ______ needs a sucker!
Nicholas: (kicking around and laughing hysterically) No, Silly! _____ doesn't need a sucker!
Me: Well, maybe a sucker would make him feel better. Good idea Jacob. (now thinking of how to get _____ a sucker in the hospital)
Nicholas: Hmm...well, I sure hope they have a sucker there for him at the hospital then.
Innocence--isn't it beautiful?