It is OK to say that I am sad today?
Is it alright to be depressed when really I do love my family more than life itself?
Is it acceptable to say that I would never trade a thing...not one thing....
and still...I am sad?
I am having mommy blues today. Actually I have been having these blues for a while. I am not quite sure what is going on here- is this too late for postpartum depression?
I consider myself quite strong, supportive and constant; but sometimes, things bother me too. Sometimes it is hard to be the strong one. Sometimes it is tough to be the "go to" person all the time. It is sometimes really hard to be Mommy. Sometimes it is hard to be the ever-supportive wife.
Is it OK to say that I get tired of never eating a warm meal? Is it alright to say that it gets old to always be eating while standing, doling out everyone else's food- that is.. if I get to eat, if someone else doesn't demand what is on my plate. And then, two hours after first realizing that my stomach is growling, I finally get to eat and it is hurried by a tired and crying baby or two little boys who never seem satisfied. Nothing that I do now is for me. I have nothing outside of my family. No career. No friends. No....anything, without them. I am sad to even admit that sometimes I think they are not enough. Am I horrible to think like that?
I couldn't even manage to mail out stuff for Mother's Day on time. Now, my mother and mother-in-law probably think I do not care to even think of them. But I do. They are just last in line behind my children and my husband. They are in line right where I am. And, that will not change.
I want to take care of myself. I want to do things that are fulfilling for me personally- things that do not have anything to do with my children or husband. I want to have some little part of me that is reserved-some little shred of myself that is only dedicated to me. But, it seems too much to ask when I am a mother. Besides, by the time I am done doing all that needs to be done, there is no longer the time, the energy, or the motivation for those "me" things. Is it OK to say that sometimes, I am down about that?
I don't really want much. Just a hair appointment so I don't look so horrible, just a nice bath with no interruptions, just a few moments to use the bathroom with no one busting in, just enough energy so that I can workout. I want to be healthy and look better, but I just cannot do it. I want to be able to sit down before 9PM and not have to listen out for anyone crying. I want to NOT be needed-for just a few minutes, just a few seconds. Not that this will ever happen, but if it did, I would surely complain then about NOT being needed. I am so twisted.
I am lonely. I want time with my husband that is not filled with the children or time alone with him that does not occur at 10 PM when I am too exhausted to formulate a sentence. How can I be lonely with my three children always nipping at my heels and my husband who really does try to make a happy life for us?
I miss my work. I miss the personal satisfaction that I received from my job. I hate paying $350/month for my student loan when I have no place to use the degree. The money is in trade for the paper I have framed hanging in our study. It is probably dusty.
I miss having money. I miss having the luxuries that come with having extra money. I hate worrying if we will ever dig ourselves out of this hole. I hate that financially, we are not where we hoped we would be at ages 35 (me) and 40 (Rick).
Is it OK to say that I get tired of
changing diapers, crying children, and picking up toys five times a day?
While I am complaining I will include these things that I cannot stand also (because I am on a roll):
our muddy backyard with no grass or trees, dust and pollution in the air, money taken from an already horrible public school system, increased violence and cussing on television-the public's need for these things to be entertained, worrying about my children getting abused, or being bullied, or doing the bullying, additional skeletons popping out of my husband's closet and always being understanding about my husband's diagnosis of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) and all that it entails. I am tired of worrying about Nicholas developing OCPD. I can't stand sweeping (and sometimes mopping) the kitchen floor at least twice a day and still it is covered with food and sticky from spilt juice, Rhett (our dog) licking the floor while "cruising for crumbs" until he coughs and gags, washing at least eight loads of laundry a week, and never being done with all of the chores. When one is done, there are five more that pop up in it's place.
I know all of these things that I have talked about come with motherhood; and obviously, I chose to be a mother. And, I do love it- 99% of the time. But, isn't it OK to sometimes be sad about what you sacrifice while being a mom?
I need a vacation (and maybe some medication).